why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
