These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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