I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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