I think I am morally bankrupt
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
