well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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