my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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