im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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