I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
