you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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