i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Randomize
