the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
