Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I checked into jail on foursquare
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
