hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
