I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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