i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you had me at cake vodka
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He shit in the fireplace
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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