Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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