So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
