Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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