i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
