He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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