Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
