i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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