i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
