i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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