Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
