So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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