I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
