I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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