Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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