When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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