420 ftw
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
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