what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
