I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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