You just made me feel so damn special
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
