while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
