If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So apparently I’m into choking now
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