I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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