I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
