Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
