I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
