I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
