It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
