Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
