This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
