so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
