Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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