Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I pour the whiskey from now on
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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