Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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