Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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