I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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