I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
