All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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